I want to stay inside.

Been a while since posting but seeing as the nights are drawing in what better way to procrastinate than return to my neglected blog?

Well I am officially a teacher now, I have a grown up job in a school!  Bit weird as its a Catholic school as I'm finding the faith aspect of the job troubling. I'm not Catholic-bashing, but after letting my faith diminish to nothing I find leading prayers difficult.  I have not had a numinous experience in a very long time & looking back on my years of belief I have written this off as a coincidence or some such.  I feel like I'm lying to the children when they ask me about my faith and as I lead them in prayers.  Still perhaps being there will allow me to develop spiritually even if I continue my path of agnosticism/atheism.

The department in the school is amazing, they're all supportive & I've been made feel very welcome.  I just feel like I am hopeless at my job! The school is huge (approx. 2500 students) so some teething problems are to be expected.  But as I chalk 'n' talk I question my ability & whether I will actually be any good at this.  I worry that as I don't view teaching as a vocation & I am essentially using these lives of young people as a means to an end (i.e. £££s).  Maybe its just the cold & dark nights creeping in.

Several weeks ago my mother did something ridiculous.  She had been drinking & took a craft knife to her wrists.  Upon reflection & discussions with her its obvious it was not a suicide attempt.  She claimed she had been feeling blue for weeks & her meds had not been working.  She needed to feel better.  When a body undergoes trauma it releases endorphins & serotonin.  She claimed that after she had taken the blade to herself the release was immense & she felt instantly better. I think I'm still shaken by the whole ordeal.  Sometimes I see her doing it to herself before I go to sleep.

Nothing cheers you up than watching documentaries on Heaven's Gate as preparation for yr12 tomorrow & bopping along to Zombina :)