I want to stay inside.

Been a while since posting but seeing as the nights are drawing in what better way to procrastinate than return to my neglected blog?

Well I am officially a teacher now, I have a grown up job in a school!  Bit weird as its a Catholic school as I'm finding the faith aspect of the job troubling. I'm not Catholic-bashing, but after letting my faith diminish to nothing I find leading prayers difficult.  I have not had a numinous experience in a very long time & looking back on my years of belief I have written this off as a coincidence or some such.  I feel like I'm lying to the children when they ask me about my faith and as I lead them in prayers.  Still perhaps being there will allow me to develop spiritually even if I continue my path of agnosticism/atheism.

The department in the school is amazing, they're all supportive & I've been made feel very welcome.  I just feel like I am hopeless at my job! The school is huge (approx. 2500 students) so some teething problems are to be expected.  But as I chalk 'n' talk I question my ability & whether I will actually be any good at this.  I worry that as I don't view teaching as a vocation & I am essentially using these lives of young people as a means to an end (i.e. £££s).  Maybe its just the cold & dark nights creeping in.

Several weeks ago my mother did something ridiculous.  She had been drinking & took a craft knife to her wrists.  Upon reflection & discussions with her its obvious it was not a suicide attempt.  She claimed she had been feeling blue for weeks & her meds had not been working.  She needed to feel better.  When a body undergoes trauma it releases endorphins & serotonin.  She claimed that after she had taken the blade to herself the release was immense & she felt instantly better. I think I'm still shaken by the whole ordeal.  Sometimes I see her doing it to herself before I go to sleep.

Nothing cheers you up than watching documentaries on Heaven's Gate as preparation for yr12 tomorrow & bopping along to Zombina :)

Same Old Same Old

When the adrenaline leaves the system all that is left is self pity.

Well, I did something utterly out of character for me this week - I talked to a stranger about how I've been feeling & the general goings on that cause me feeling grim. When I say stranger I mean my course tutor. Usally its my long suffering friends & housemates get to hear me whinge about my life. It was a strange sensation it was in equal parts liberating, guilt inducing & terrifying. 

It was terrifying as I hate admitting weakness due to me being a haughty buggar at times. Plus who really likes making themselves vulnerable to others?  It was liberating because it was good to kind of get some of what has been mulling over in my brain out in the open - especially to someone who doesn't know anyone involved.  But whilst I was venting my spleen a huge sense of guilt started to sweep over me.

I always feel that talking about my problems to 'outsiders' is some kind of betrayal to those involved. Not sure why I feel this, maybe its my healthy sense of Catholic guilt I was raised with, but I always have.  I didn't really talk to teachers or my uni lecturers even when I suspect I really should have & even then perhaps when it was too late.

My tutor suggested counselling - another thing that terrifies me as I don't know what to expect.  I went to once before about 5-6 years ago when I felt like I was losing my mind (night terrors, hallucinations & mood swings. You know the usual). So I know they're not going to sacrifice me to some dark god & to be honest it helped even if I felt like a tit some weeks admitting to a stranger I almost wet myself because I was convinced somthing was under my bed & I couldn't put my feet on the floor to go to the bathroom.  However, I feel like I might be sliding back there. I know I have been waking up in the night screaming like a baby more often these past few weeks.  Who knows? I am due to make an appointment for this week so let's wait & see what the professionals say.

Or perhaps this is all stress & they'll tell me I'm being a fucking pussy which let's be fair is more likely. 


(My tutor btw was a fucking saint)

I do love being melodramatic

Every now & again its good to have a whinge to music.

I day dream of, what might and could come
But then the truth creeps up on me
And I begin to cry
I wish we never met, then it wasn't so sad

(Nope, not mine - Horropops this time folks)

Songs I will sing of runes and rings.

Sometimes when essay writing only Blind Guardian will do.

My mundane task is worthy of warriors and kings.  Bards are composing epics of my feats. Maidens are swooning at my prowess. Grizzled veterans buy me flagons of ale. Young men ask to squire for me. Barbarian hordes gnash their teeth at the sound of my name.

No roleplay this week so I've got to get the nerd fix where I can....

Jolly Hockey Sticks!

Tomorrow is day one of my second PGCE placement school & for some reason I'm not excited. If anything I am nervous.  Obviously starting somewhere new makes you nervous but the thought of it is making me sick.

It is by all accounts a lovely place to work with lovely students and staff.  However, perhaps I cannot get over my working class roots as it's a private girls' school.  Now I have no real moral or philosophical objection to private schools - I am fairly indifferent truth be told.  As a parent & you have the money you might as well spend it on their kids.

Obviouly I've made glib comments about double barrelled surnames & poines but I imagine it's to do with my own feeling of inadequacy.  I feel like I am being ripped away from my comfort zone & that I'm going to fall flat on my face. 


Wish me luck gallant readers & watch this space...


Today...
I am currently being fuelled by the tuneful sounds of AFI.

Holy Smoke Batman

It is quite sad how excited I am about the cardinals going into conclave.  Not because I secretly harbour great love for Holy Mother Church but I want to see what a new Pope can bring.

Hopefully more bigotry concerning same-sex marriage/adoption, arhcaic beliefs about contraception and the inequality of women... To be fair it is very easy to Catholic bash these days given the past decade.  I acknowledge the preceding comments as crass and unimaginative. Apologies.

Seriously though, a less conservative Pope would be a gift.  He would be able to get back to what I believe the true message of Christianity to be; love.  There are many things that would genuinely be too radical to change over night but in time one can hope things will improve.  If the hoi polloi can read the Bible in English and be allowed some moral autonomy then the sky is the limit.

Otherwise I fear Catholics becoming an endangered species.


Inside my head:
I wish I was playing Skyrim right now...

Post no. 3 of today.

After that angry aside I have somthing nice to post now - another song from my yoof.

"Poprocks & Coke"

Wherever you go
You know I’ll be there
If you go far,
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere,
So I’ll see you there
You place the name
You know I’ll be there
You name the time
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere
So I’ll see you there

I don’t care if you don’t mind
I’ll be there not far behind
I will dare
Keep in mind
I’ll be there for you

Where there’s truth
You know I’ll be there
Amongst the lies
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere
So I’ll see you there

I don’t care if you don’t mind
I’ll be there not far behind
I will dare
Keep in mind
I’ll be there for you

If you should fall
You know I’ll be there
To catch the call
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere
So I’ll see you there

I don’t care if you don’t mind
I’ll be there not far behind
I will dare
Keep in mind
I don’t care
I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you

Again, its not mine. More Green Day.

Rage.

Cardinal Keith O'Brien's apology has made me irrationally angry. For someone with a vehement and narrow minded view of same-sex marriage ("madness... a grotesque subversion) he is far from an exemplar of sexual piety.  His 'apology' is equally as nauseating and insipid:

"However, I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop and cardinal."  - Or perhaps just as a fucking human being? You hypocrite.

My rage is not allowing me to write as eloquently as I had hoped.  Although I am experiencing a perverse pleasure in watching this man fall from grace so publically.  His shame is delicious.

All this bile aside I hope those he harmed have found some peace at last.

Bored now.

Spent the last few hours marking & doing lessons for this coming week  - I am bored now!

This is proving to be my new favourite form of procrastination. I do love inflicting my inane thoughts & opinions to the nameless people of the world wide web.  Well, not that anyone actually reads this.

Friday night & I'm all alone...

... Well kinda, just sitting in my living room listening to music I LOVED about 10 years ago. I feel very old today - perhaps its this teaching palaver?

Anyway, some song lyrics for someone you love when you know they're feeling crappy. Enjoy.

"One For The Razorbacks"

Juliet's trying to find out what she wants, but she don't know
Experience has got her down
Look this direction, I know it's not perfection, it's just me...
I want to bring you up again now

Cause' I'm losing what's left of my dignity
A small price to pay to see that you're happy
Forget all the disappointments you have faced
Open up your worried world and let me in

Juliet's crying cause now she's realizing love can be
Filled with pain and distrust
I know I am crazy, and a bit lazy
But I will try to bring you up again now

Cause' I'm losing what's left of my dignity
A small price to pay to see that you're happy
Forget all the disappointments you have faced
Open up your worried world and let me in

Juliet's crying cause now she's realizing love can be
Filled with pain and distrust
I know I am crazy, and a bit lazy
But I will try to bring you up again some how

Cause' I'm losing what's left of my dignity
A small price to pay to see that you're happy
Forget all the disappointments you have faced
Open up your worried world and let me in

This song is obviously not mine, tis Green Day's.

Busy Busy Busy

Normally an engaged mind is a happy mind, yet I cannot shake this gloomy mood that has descended upon me the past few days.

How annoying!

Still DnD tonight so something to keep me entertained, who knows maybe I'll even return to Confessions. I think I should really my DM is hard working & I feel like I give very little in return these days.

Tell me why... I don't like Mondays...

Today was awful. These overly dramatic lyrics sum it all up.

I can't pretend this time 
I need a friend to find my broken mind 
Before it falls to pieces

That is all.

I'm not very good at this...

Well as expected I have not been keeping up with my blogging - for some unknown reason a bizarre feeling has come over me. Recently I have been thinking that random strangers on the internet might not want to actually hear my thoughts & humble opinions meaning I have not been keeping this blog up to date. Then I realised no one but my friends probably read this anyway so I figured why be so shy? I'm not normally.

So a brand new year & hopefully good new things to boot! I have quit both my jobs & am currently doing my PGCE in the vague hope of becoming a teacher. I hear you cry "Why?!" & "Don't do it!" But alas dear readers I must. I have come to realise that whilst I loved my one job it didn't pay the bills & was sadly not going to get me anywhere. I could no longer sell soap, play with bubbles & glitter hoping that I would some how get enought money to afford postgrad. So I had to get a job.

Well... Sorta... This PGCE gig is unpaid (although I do get a nice student loan) & ALOT of bloody work but it is s'prisingly rather good fun! I had alot of doubts about the whole thing truth be told as I had no idea what to expect. One thing is certain - I FUCKING HATE PAPERWORK! I have never seen so much of the bloody stuff! Although I am assured that when I'm actually teaching there is slightly less of the stuff. Emphasis on slightly.

Being in the classroom is a good wheeze most of the time. Sure, I'm using pretty much nothing from my degree but I am enjoying interacting with young people. Something I was certain I would find hard.  Some of the little dears are unplesant but eh, I've had a job in the service industry since I was 14 which it would seem has made me rather resilient.

The only downside to this teaching malarky is possibly having to move. I love dear sweet Exeter but evidentally jobs for my specialism do not exist in Devon. If only I had done something more useful, like maths... Hmm... Maybe not.

Well sweet readers I draw to a close on my first blog post of 2013. Here's hoping I keep it up this year!



Allow me to be sombre for a moment...

To the dearly departed Francis DaCruz & Esther Johnson who left this world in 2012, you are both missed by those you left behind. And to young Max Rickard whom I never met but left us two nights ago. If there is such a thing as an afterlife may your souls find peace until you can be reunited with those who love you.