Stranger than fishin'

First blog post of 2014, huzzah!

I  do wish my life was more exciting sometimes & then perhaps I would be compelled to inflict my ramblings on the faceless masses more. Or perhaps I need to stop using this poor thing as my way of venting my spleen. Oh well, gotta get the catharsis where ya can hey?

Well mum has been better, no more cries for help/attention but she's not been completely dry. Still she has a job now, just a part time cleaning job. I wish she would desperately get back into care work or lecturing, but I fear those days are now well behind her. It's a shame as I find it sad her brilliance is being wasted. But silver lining - she is functioning again as a 'normal' person. She got her first payday yesterday & she phoned me about her food shopping. She sounded so proud that SHE had done something for herself. I just hope that she keeps it up & keeps feeling good about herself. Bleh...getting weepy at that last part.

Well living & working in Brighton is alright...ish...The city is cool & there's lots to do/look at. But it's expensive & it's not like I have any friends to fucking do it with. I have a couple of friends from uni here,which is nice. But they're busy proactive sorts so I don't see them very much. I miss my house mates desperately but I know we're all better off without each other. After visiting them earlier in the week it became glaringly obvious to me they are happier that way. Sure we are still friend & we love each other, but perhaps some folk just shouldn't live together.

The other half is infinitely happier than I have seen him in years. I feel so guilty making him so miserable for so long.

Work is ok...I guess. Teaching itself isn't great but I kinda like working with the kids. Well most of them anyway. Maybe some day I would do some kind of social work/counselling for young people. The pay/holidays probably aren't as good but maybe I will eventually stop resenting working. The department are amazing too which really bloody helps.

I have been playing silly little phone games more & more aa a way to distract myself. As such I know have gaming buddies, some of which I would like to actually call friends. Shame they live Stateside really. I talk to them a lot more than I do people irl these days. I'm even sending post because I remember how much I liked having a penfriend as a kid.

In spite of all this my moods keep getting in the way of things. One minute I am high as a kite, Happy as Larry & the next I feel almost catatonic & even using my phone to game/chat is too much effort. Libido & self esteem are pretty low at the minute too. Need to sort out the eating habits as well. I've stopped drinking as much, because my usual Friday ritual was to be blind drunk by 10pm. Going to the doctor on Wednesday. And tbh I am scared. I don't know what to say or expect. I know they promise to be unbiased but they're only human & of course they will be judgemental.

Anyhoo...anyone actually reading this will now be bored to tears. But I feel slightly lighter.

I want to stay inside.

Been a while since posting but seeing as the nights are drawing in what better way to procrastinate than return to my neglected blog?

Well I am officially a teacher now, I have a grown up job in a school!  Bit weird as its a Catholic school as I'm finding the faith aspect of the job troubling. I'm not Catholic-bashing, but after letting my faith diminish to nothing I find leading prayers difficult.  I have not had a numinous experience in a very long time & looking back on my years of belief I have written this off as a coincidence or some such.  I feel like I'm lying to the children when they ask me about my faith and as I lead them in prayers.  Still perhaps being there will allow me to develop spiritually even if I continue my path of agnosticism/atheism.

The department in the school is amazing, they're all supportive & I've been made feel very welcome.  I just feel like I am hopeless at my job! The school is huge (approx. 2500 students) so some teething problems are to be expected.  But as I chalk 'n' talk I question my ability & whether I will actually be any good at this.  I worry that as I don't view teaching as a vocation & I am essentially using these lives of young people as a means to an end (i.e. £££s).  Maybe its just the cold & dark nights creeping in.

Several weeks ago my mother did something ridiculous.  She had been drinking & took a craft knife to her wrists.  Upon reflection & discussions with her its obvious it was not a suicide attempt.  She claimed she had been feeling blue for weeks & her meds had not been working.  She needed to feel better.  When a body undergoes trauma it releases endorphins & serotonin.  She claimed that after she had taken the blade to herself the release was immense & she felt instantly better. I think I'm still shaken by the whole ordeal.  Sometimes I see her doing it to herself before I go to sleep.

Nothing cheers you up than watching documentaries on Heaven's Gate as preparation for yr12 tomorrow & bopping along to Zombina :)

Same Old Same Old

When the adrenaline leaves the system all that is left is self pity.

Well, I did something utterly out of character for me this week - I talked to a stranger about how I've been feeling & the general goings on that cause me feeling grim. When I say stranger I mean my course tutor. Usally its my long suffering friends & housemates get to hear me whinge about my life. It was a strange sensation it was in equal parts liberating, guilt inducing & terrifying. 

It was terrifying as I hate admitting weakness due to me being a haughty buggar at times. Plus who really likes making themselves vulnerable to others?  It was liberating because it was good to kind of get some of what has been mulling over in my brain out in the open - especially to someone who doesn't know anyone involved.  But whilst I was venting my spleen a huge sense of guilt started to sweep over me.

I always feel that talking about my problems to 'outsiders' is some kind of betrayal to those involved. Not sure why I feel this, maybe its my healthy sense of Catholic guilt I was raised with, but I always have.  I didn't really talk to teachers or my uni lecturers even when I suspect I really should have & even then perhaps when it was too late.

My tutor suggested counselling - another thing that terrifies me as I don't know what to expect.  I went to once before about 5-6 years ago when I felt like I was losing my mind (night terrors, hallucinations & mood swings. You know the usual). So I know they're not going to sacrifice me to some dark god & to be honest it helped even if I felt like a tit some weeks admitting to a stranger I almost wet myself because I was convinced somthing was under my bed & I couldn't put my feet on the floor to go to the bathroom.  However, I feel like I might be sliding back there. I know I have been waking up in the night screaming like a baby more often these past few weeks.  Who knows? I am due to make an appointment for this week so let's wait & see what the professionals say.

Or perhaps this is all stress & they'll tell me I'm being a fucking pussy which let's be fair is more likely. 


(My tutor btw was a fucking saint)

I do love being melodramatic

Every now & again its good to have a whinge to music.

I day dream of, what might and could come
But then the truth creeps up on me
And I begin to cry
I wish we never met, then it wasn't so sad

(Nope, not mine - Horropops this time folks)

Songs I will sing of runes and rings.

Sometimes when essay writing only Blind Guardian will do.

My mundane task is worthy of warriors and kings.  Bards are composing epics of my feats. Maidens are swooning at my prowess. Grizzled veterans buy me flagons of ale. Young men ask to squire for me. Barbarian hordes gnash their teeth at the sound of my name.

No roleplay this week so I've got to get the nerd fix where I can....

Jolly Hockey Sticks!

Tomorrow is day one of my second PGCE placement school & for some reason I'm not excited. If anything I am nervous.  Obviously starting somewhere new makes you nervous but the thought of it is making me sick.

It is by all accounts a lovely place to work with lovely students and staff.  However, perhaps I cannot get over my working class roots as it's a private girls' school.  Now I have no real moral or philosophical objection to private schools - I am fairly indifferent truth be told.  As a parent & you have the money you might as well spend it on their kids.

Obviouly I've made glib comments about double barrelled surnames & poines but I imagine it's to do with my own feeling of inadequacy.  I feel like I am being ripped away from my comfort zone & that I'm going to fall flat on my face. 


Wish me luck gallant readers & watch this space...


Today...
I am currently being fuelled by the tuneful sounds of AFI.

Holy Smoke Batman

It is quite sad how excited I am about the cardinals going into conclave.  Not because I secretly harbour great love for Holy Mother Church but I want to see what a new Pope can bring.

Hopefully more bigotry concerning same-sex marriage/adoption, arhcaic beliefs about contraception and the inequality of women... To be fair it is very easy to Catholic bash these days given the past decade.  I acknowledge the preceding comments as crass and unimaginative. Apologies.

Seriously though, a less conservative Pope would be a gift.  He would be able to get back to what I believe the true message of Christianity to be; love.  There are many things that would genuinely be too radical to change over night but in time one can hope things will improve.  If the hoi polloi can read the Bible in English and be allowed some moral autonomy then the sky is the limit.

Otherwise I fear Catholics becoming an endangered species.


Inside my head:
I wish I was playing Skyrim right now...